31 Cups: marriage

Frugally Sustainable
Raising Homemakers
Far Above Rubies
A Wise Woman Builds Her Home
Wholehearted Home
Growing Home

Young Mother and Her Children

Courtship Connection
Living In the Shoe
Homemaking Linkup
A Proverbs 31 Wife
All Things With a Purpose
Our Days Homeschool Link Up
Mama Moments Mondays

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Hey Stepmom...

Stepmom.

A word that comes with such visuals I shudder to use it. In fact I never describe myself as a stepmom.

What comes to mind? Come on... you know.
Disney had a hook in which Stepmother was hung and it wasn't decorated with roses and pretty ivy. You can see her. Can't you?

source

Then you remember all the women in your life that are a stepmom. You think about the young family at church, that troops in a number of different ages of children, sometimes all together and sometimes just one or two. You remember your cousin married a woman with a child. You think about an older couple in your Bible Study group with a blended family and the Grandparents that are raising their grandchildren.

It is so commonplace nowadays that we tend to forget how many step parents there really are. Our mind often links to the wicked stepmother in Cinderella that is abusive and evil. We remember the Wicked Witch that hates her stepdaughter's beauty and is so envious of her she wishes her dead! Unfortunately, now we are tainted in our thinking of the word.

source

The Preacher Man and I have a blended family. We often joke we are like that old Lucille Ball movie with a His, Mine, and Ours sort of lifestyle. The difference is we have other parents we have to deal with. We are not married secondly with children because of widow-dom. We were both married before. Married before we were Committed and Born-Again Christians.

So even with those past sins forgiven we soldier on in this world we had created before. We are an example of the New Nuclear Family. We have Mom and Dad, 2 of Mine, 1 of His, and 2 of Ours. We also have Step Parents, Step Siblings, Half Siblings, And a set of Grandparents acting as Step parents. You almost need a drop down menu to follow the family trees leading to and from Our Family.

We don't use titles such as Step Brother, or Half Sister. We say: Brother and Sister. We say: Mom and Dad. We have strove to provide a home that is without those titles that would seek to pull us apart or put walls in between our children. We have worked hard to make a united front in parenting, no matter what the other Parents say, we stand firm using God's Word as our guide. We act as a nuclear family as often as we can.

We have known since the beginning that the odds are against us and that the 'norm' for families like ours are dysfunction and pain. Often this is found leading to a division of family that only exacerbates the problem and causes a cycle of building relationships, placing walls up, and then separating. As a couple entering into marriage with children from previous relationships we decided we would double and triple our efforts to place God as our centerpiece. We knew we would have to pray, and seek, and repent and then do it again.

We have been optimistic in our approach. We have been honest with all of our children about details of our B.C. (Before Christ) Life and about some of our bumpy and rumply paths. We are a walking example of God's Unending Love and Grace. Of the possibility of a New Life as a New Creation in Christ. We are the Mess made Whole Through Christ.

We are not however perfect. We goof up. We sometimes miss the mark.

Breakfast in Bed

We have some children who are living in between worlds. We have family dynamics that change depending on the weekend and who is home. Sometimes my youngest son is in the 'oldest' spot instead of his 'middler' or 'youngest boy' spot and he transitions well into and out of this space. My truly middle child is the oldest child at his 'other' home and that is a much bigger transition for him to bump back into when he is there.

There are different belief systems in these other homes, none actively Christian, and that can lead to confusion and frustration. When one set of parents or guardians allows an act at their home but we do not it can be a thorn. When one set of children is told negative things about their siblings' nationality that can cause hurt and internal dilemma for that set of children. When what we say is Biblical Truth is contradicted by another set of parents we are left defending our choice. It can go on and on.

In truth, I am not complaining. I am asking the Church to be understanding of a situation like ours. I am 100 % supportive of blended Christian Families. It is a ridiculously difficult path to tackle. We would have loved to be only married to each other, to have had a sacred honeymoon, and have all our children sharing the same last name and DNA. That would have been quite a wonderful thing.

That was not our path. Our path was scarred with life's trials and mistakes. With addictions and problems. There were bad choices and lots of painful results. We were broken pieces of clay waiting for the Master to search us out and place us together.

But there were three beautiful and amazing persons that came out of that B.C. Life. Three lives that are now committed to Christ. Three lives that we are raising, in the shared time we are given, to become strong doers and preachers of The Word. Three fantastically created children that have had one heck of a puzzle pieced childhood. They are resilient, strong in faith, discerning beyond their years, and all growing into the most hopeful of souls.

In Giji Park

So here we are. Carving a life out of that space in our Family Tree. Forming strong roots that dig deep for stability. Wrapping around the Rock of God's Word to keep us steady. We need to bend with the wind and storms. Bend and sway with those fights and personality disputes. Shake off the insults and the hurtful words from those 'other parents'. Drop leaves of regret and leaves of sorrow at all the things we can't live up to so we can look 'normal'. We let the bark grow thick over those spots where well intentioned Chritianese speaking folks have forgotten that we did live that Before Life and that we have no control over certain traits and things those 'other parents' bring to our children.

I am not gonna lie. When I see families with mom, dad and the 4 kids deciding to go on vacation I am jealous of the ease in which that happens. When we plan vacation, I have to notify no less than four other people! We then have to schedule it in, by playing my favorite game: Which weekend is mine and will you trade so neither of us loses any time?
I am envious of families that can Live together, Move together, Adventure together. My husband works hours away to provide for us, but we can not move to live with him because of custody arrangements. I lose children or force them to choose. What mother can do that?
I am heartsick that I can not do daily devotions with all my kids, that our family worship is rarely as a whole family, that holidays are broken up into random dates circled on the calendar. I celebrate the days when we are all together and we can play a board game and eat popcorn and laugh like it is going out of style.

The Orphans

We are striving to tear down stereotypes. We do not see ourselves as halves or steps but as wholes. And yet.....
I am by definition a stepmom.
I am also a mom.
And I am also a mom whose children have a stepmom.
I am not evil. I am not hateful. I don't want to steal a child or make a child a slave. I do want them all to respect me. To love me. To see me as just mom.

Only God Himself fully appreciates the influence of a Christian mother in the molding of character in her children. Billy Graham

Reine Lefebre and Margot before a Window

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway. Erma Brombeck

No one in the world can take the place of your mother. Right or wrong, from her viewpoint you are always right. She may scold you for little things, but never for the big ones. Harry Truman

Mother and Child

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.
Abraham Lincoln

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavour by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. Washington Irving

So to you who are the definition of Stepmom, I say, you are mom. You are raising, loving, providing, comforting, and breathing your daily walk into that child. Act like the mother you are. Forgive. Be patient. Lose the labels and titles. Build the bridge. All that mom really wants you to do is love her children like they lived under your heart for nine months as well.

For you who deal with a Stepmom in your child's life, I say, pray for her. It is a thankless job with little to no respect. Pray for her even when you don't want to. Pray that she is open to your suggestions. She knows she can't replace you, but she wants to make a great stand in. And she needs you to not bad mouth her in front of those children. She will earn the respect but she deserves the honor of parent if she is your stand in. She may even rise to the occasion.

Those who have the rare joy of being both, I know it is a tough job. I am living it. I know it is hard. But it is worth it. Pray. Pray for the Stepmom she is and pray for the Stepmom you are. And then be the best you can be in the situation you were placed in. God has given you a unique view of the world. Don't waste it being angry or petty.

Realize how blessed you are to be heart touched by that child and to have the privilege to help raise him.

Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)

All quotes from: http://www.allgreatquotes.com/mother_quotes.shtml

Possibly Linking With:

Frugally Sustainable
Raising Homemakers
Far Above Rubies
A Wise Woman Builds Her Home
Wholehearted Home
Growing Home

Courtship Connection
Living In the Shoe
Homemaking Linkup
A Proverbs 31 Wife
All Things With a Purpose
Our Days Homeschool Link Up
Mama Moments Mondays

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Muddled Love* Forgiving Your Spouse

I was going to write a post on my favorite place in this whole big wide world.

It is so beautiful that my pictures don't even come close to showing how amazing a place it is. My sister's photographs come close but there is something tangible in the air up North that you can really only see it and feel it when you are there.

My grandparent's scrimped and saved and bought a small piece of land on a beautiful quiet lake. My grandpa built a cabin long before I was a thought in my mother's mind. She grew up in the Cities and spent her childhood summers heading up to the cabin on weekends with her parents and siblings. They hiked and swam and caught frogs and fished till they were bored and then did it all over again.

The cabin stayed in the family and we got to spend a week or so every summer hiking and swimming and catching frogs and fishing... and then doing it all over again. We played in the water till our fingers wrinkled and scarfed down chocolate chip cookies and hot cocoa every evening. We would read books late into the night and then wake early to the smell of coffee and pine sap. The hummingbirds whirred out the front window and water lapped at the grass shoreline teasing us with the promise of a morning swim. Mom would take us to town just to window shop and peek at all the tourist trinkets that we never bought because we were like the locals. This was her other home. She was accepted as a regular.

Somehow in all that regularness of our growing up, a love grew for this humble place. A feeling of Home.

It is where I retreated so I could heal after my miscarriage. It is where I brought my babies and taught them to trust a life jacket. It is where I first tasted good coffee with my feet sunk up to ankle in cool, soft water. It is where I have cried out to God loudest because it echoes across the lake and sounds like a true declaration. I dreamed of the lily pads floating gently on shimmery lake currents while in labor with my children. My husband fished badly with my siblings here and was accepted. Dear ones we have loved and lost were invited into this secret and safe place. The Hippie Chick became my sister here in this sun dappled world of thick pines and leafy oaks.

My children have been enchanted by its sense of family. They feel the generations of feet walking the path from the front door to the dock. They respect the space and freely discuss topics that may have been left undisclosed. They have played board games, scarfed cookies and had cocoa for breakfast. They have hiked and swam till their fingers wrinkled. They have caught fish and found frogs. They have eaten marshmallows burnt off the stick and swatted mosquitoes. They have gladly shared air mattresses and sleeping bags all so we can vacation together. And then done it all over again, because they love this place. This Home.

There is above all, a feeling of family.

So that was going to be my post.

But then, as per my willingness last week to open my mouth about how I will write stuff even when I don't want to I figure I better finish this. You see, I have been withholding a forgiveness. And it revolves around this place I call Home. This little cabin in the woods.

Last year was a rough year. I wanted to pack my bags and Move to The Cabin last summer just so I could run away. I desperately needed a vacation. I needed someplace where I could eat and swim and run and allow my children to be dirty faced and happy for a week or so. I needed to be free from the everyday drag my life sometimes gets caught up in. I needed to be in place of quiet, with no electronic distraction and no sound of the garbage truck first thing in the morning.

I am a stay at home, homeschooling mother with a Hubs that lives in a different town for his job more than half of the week and two teenagers in two separate high schools. I have a unique job description and it includes no time off, ever. There is no break from the daily grind. There is no relief from the pressure of motherhood. There is no back up. There is no one to throw my struggling teenager at when I need an instant answer. There is often no help when my toddler is teething, Sir Bean is acting out, and Prince Ray is lying to me. I never get a moment.

Unless, I am at the cabin. It is essential to my well-being. At least I can bring my crazy working life to a different atmosphere and things seem to be calmer there. They always behave better when they are out of their element.

But last year was going to be Epic. I was going to get to go for a whole weekend. With my sisters, and Princess Peony. I was literally in tears of excitement over the whole thing. Time for me. With the girls! We planned some Bible readings, some crafts and girly stuff. We figured out recipes we could make with things the little kids and menfolk won't eat. Seriously. So Happy.

The Hubs was going to take off work from a Thursday through a Sunday. The date set and planned months ahead of time. All was organized with the precision of an army planning for battle.

And then he changed jobs within his company. He couldn't take off. Not his fault. Just Life.

It was impossible to find a way around it... I wasn't going. My weekend was not happening.
I cried for days. I felt awful. Worse yet, nobody went. And I never got up there with my family or the kids either.

No break. No safe place. No going Home.

I realized as I was writing about my favorite place in the whole world that I had not truly forgiven him. It was mostly out of his control. It was not an intentional hurt. I think he felt bad. There was a series of miscommunication. It was easier for him to work with the new position than try to get the weekend off. It was a measured decision based on his job and the need there. In the end, it was the right decision.

However, what I felt was that my most desperately needed weekend was less important to him. That I was less important to him. That my needs and wants came after his. That he didn't understand.

I don't think that is true. But, that is what I felt at the time.

Feelings, though are fickle aren't they? They can be true at the time but only to the beholder. Trusting in your feelings can be foolish.

How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple?
How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing
and fools hate knowledge? ~Proverbs 1:2

Life is full of mishaps that step on toes, break hearts, crush spirits and damage feelings. We almost never mean to hurt the people we love. Not really. Life just happens.

How very good and pleasant it is
when kindred live together in unity! ~Psalm 133:1

So on to that elusive thing called forgiveness.

I found numerous verses commanding forgiveness. They all apply to your spouse.

Forgive with loving and kindness. That means no holding grudges. No halfsies on forgiving. Bury that hatchet and do not leave the handle out. Your husband does not need to hear about it over and over and over again.

and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:32

Forgive when you are bearing the complaint. Simply because the LORD forgave you. He is setting a high standard in which to follow. You need to forgive even if the complaint is valid. You need to forgive even if you are in the 'right'. Someday you will be in the wrong. You would want that some loving courtesy.

Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ~Colossians 3:13

Forgive when your husband is repentant. Even if it has hurt you to the core. You must forgive.

Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive. ~Luke 17:3

Forgive often. Forgive repeatedly.

Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times. ~Matthew 18:21-22

So what good is it? How does this motivate me to forgive a wrong or even a perceived wrong? If I forgive and they sin against me again, why do I need to forgive again? The LORD has given us pretty clear instruction. We need to forgive if we want to be forgiven.

Think about this in a marriage relationship. We need to forgive and forget all the time. I am human and a messy person. He is human and a messy person. Together, we are not a recipe for perfection. We are the definition of messy marriage. If I want to be forgiven when I have wronged or hurt him then I had better well forgive him when he fails or wrongs me.

It is going to happen sometimes. This is real marriage. This is not a princess story. This Chubby Princess has a stubborn heart and sarcastic tongue. The Knight in rusted armor is temperamental when tired and quick to anger. Arrows on occasion are going to fly. So, forgive.

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you;~ Matthew 6:14

We are also told that to foster friendship we need to forgive. In marriage, our spouse should be our best friend. How do you be best friends if one of you is holding a grudge? In my case, I was pushing that feeling aside. Once that cabin post popped up, all I could think about was how upset I still was over not going! I thought I had dealt with it. I never forgave. It was still there. It wasn't hurting him. It was hurting me. Essentially it was causing a friction whenever we talked about the cabin. I need to forgive him, even if he hasn't asked for it. Even if he didn't realize how bad he offended. Because, I don't want to alienate my best friend.

One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend. ~Proverbs 17:9

Once more, to clarify. In a normal, healthy marriage. Where no one is getting hurt. Where no abuse is present. I would encourage you to pray for God's strength to forgive your spouse of any wrongdoings. Or perhaps even ask for forgiveness for your own wrongdoing. There should be no shame. We are all broken and damaged people. Asking for Forgiveness should be heartfelt but not demeaning. We all have fallen short. We are all asked to forgive.

To my sisters who bear a much greater burden. I will say the same thing. You must forgive. I don't believe you need to be in that space being abused to do that forgiving. The LORD wants us to preserve life. The life of your children. Your life. Get to a safe place. Seek shelter within a Christian community designed to help your situation. Pray. Seek wise counsel and encourage your spouse to do the same.

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." -Ruth Bell Graham

Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)

Possibly Linking With:

Frugally Sustainable
Raising Homemakers
Far Above Rubies
A Wise Woman Builds Her Home
Wholehearted Home
Growing Home

http://www.wikipaintings.org/es/jean-francois-millet/the-angelus-1859#close

Courtship Connection
Living In the Shoe
Homemaking Linkup

A Proverbs 31 Wife
All Things With a Purpose

Monday, February 18, 2013

Any Husband or Wife

On The Veranda~ John Singer Sargent

Any Husband or Wife
by Carol Haynes

Let us be guests in one another's house
With deferential "no" and courteous "yes";
Let us take care to hide our foolish moods
Behind a certain show of cheerfulness.

The Angelus~ Jean-Francois Millet

Let us avoid all sullen silences;
We should find fresh and sprightly things to say;
I must be fearful lest you find me dull,
And you must dread to bore me anyway.

Robert Louis Stevenson and His Wife~ John Singer Sargent

Let us knock gently at each other's heart,
Glad of a chance to look within–and yet,
Let us remember that to force one's way
Is the unpardoned breach of etiquette.

Sunday Afternoon ~ Leopold Karl Walter Graf von Kalkreuth

So, shall I be host–you, the hostess,
Until all need for entertainment ends;
We shall be lovers when the last door shuts
But what is better still–we shall be friends.


The Home of the Red, White, and Blue~ Lilly Martin Spencer

Wise Counsel comes in many forms.

Always Blessed,

Gretchen :)

Paintings found: http://www.jssgallery.org/

http://www.wikigallery.org/wiki/painting_198548/Leopold-Karl-Walter-von-Kalckreuth/Sunday-Afternoon

http://americangallery.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/lilly-martin-spencer-1822-1902/

Possibly Linking With:

Frugally Sustainable
Raising Homemakers
Far Above Rubies
A Wise Woman Builds Her Home
Wholehearted Home
Growing Home