Showing posts with label Messy Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Messy Marriage. Show all posts

Monday, April 15, 2013

Muddled Marriage ~ The Marriage Pillow Journal



A few months ago I came across a post about connecting with kids by using a Pillow Journal. For the life of me, I can not find that post to give credit for this amazing tool we have been using in our home. I think I will be writing soon about how the kids and I journal to each other.

This post though is about how The Hubs and I have begun using a Marriage Pillow Journal. 

My wonderful husband works about 2 hours away from us. He is gone more than half the week. We never expected our married life to be spent living in different zip codes most of the time. We did not expect to sleep in different beds. We did not expect to have to discuss discipline issues over the webcam. We never thought that we would spend so much time physically apart.

However, life has a way of sometimes throwing a curve ball and we are asked to adjust to the pitch. God is in control. My husband has work when many don't. My children are clothed and our bellies full. So for a time and in this season we live apart, often.

This means that we have to get creative with our communication.

I am a talker. I like to talk things out. Unfortunately, when The Hubs is gone at work I can not call him 15 times a night to chat about all the 'stuff' that is going on in our family. I can't always call and vent to him. I also don't have the privilege of being able to talk it out and hand off an especially difficult child for discipline when he comes home from work. He might not be home for three more days.


The Lord has blessed me with some talent and so I am a bit of a writer. When life is exciting, busy, or feeling out of control I may not be able to talk to my partner. But, I can write it down. I can write it out better, with more feeling, and often with more foresight and thought given to my words. I can vent in a more cohesive way and usually get to a solution by the end of my journal entry. If not, at least I have a record of my thoughts and feelings and any Biblical help on the subject that I have come across.

So enters the Marriage Pillow Journal. It is my way of keeping up with all the things that I should say to him, but can't fit into a 12 minute Skype session. The things I can't text to him. The daily or weekly or monthly life stuff that happens along and can get left in the dust in our short time spent together.


I can leave The Hubs long drawn out letters about how I am feeling about Prince Ray and his behavior, our day at homeschool group, or about how I am wishy-washy about a curriculum choice. I can write mushy love letters with notes about the awesome things he did for me that melted my heart the last time he was home. I can leave verses to mediate on. Amazing thoughts (well amazing to me) I had during the day. Silly quotes from movies or private jokes we share. Ideas about our future, the kids, church life or when we should get vacation planned. When we are in a disagreement over something I can put my heart feelings to paper and apologize for my stubbornness or state my case. The goal is to get it off my chest and then rest.

I can write it down. Pray for us. And then place it under his pillow for when he returns.

Now here is the best part.

Those birthday card love notes, valentine flowers and anniversary dinners from The Hubs have got nothing on a pen scrawled notebook love note.

Don't get me wrong, I love those kind of thoughtful gifts. Who doesn't like a card and chocolate now and then? But, there is something so special about reading my lover's words. I can savor each one. Read it over and over. I am reminded of those first tender feelings we had for each other. 


I can search in between the sentences for signs of need in my partner. Does he need more words of encouragement? Is he feeling stressed or concerned about work? Have I offended him and didn't know it? 

I then turn this around. 
As much as I enjoy receiving a note ending in: I thank God that He lead me to you!, The Hubs enjoys a note giving him affirmation and thanks. Can I let him know how much I appreciate him? Can I empathize with his work stress and write a prayer for him? Can I apologize if I have hurt him?

My words are longer. My stories often more wordy. My handwriting terrible. But he has warmed to the idea and now enjoys reading my thoughts all put down on paper, just for him. A moment carved out of my time with intent to communicate numerous things to him. Simply because I love him and want to share with him.

His words are short and to the point. His sentences less decorative but so powerful. My heart gladdens when he writes to me because I know it comes less easy for him and therefore it means so much more. I love it when he writes to me. 


For the cost of a five subject spiral bound notebook you can have an enormously useful tool for keeping marriage connected... 
......and a bit less muddled. 


Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)




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Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Muddled Love* Forgiving Your Spouse







I was going to write a post on my favorite place in this whole big wide world. 


It is so beautiful that my pictures don't even come close to showing how amazing a place it is. My sister's photographs come close but there is something tangible in the air up North that you can really only see it and feel it when you are there.


 My grandparent's scrimped and saved and bought a small piece of land on a beautiful quiet lake. My grandpa built a cabin long before I was a thought in my mother's mind. She grew up in the Cities and spent her childhood summers heading up to the cabin on weekends with her parents and siblings. They hiked and swam and caught frogs and fished till they were bored and then did it all over again.

 The cabin stayed in the family and we got to spend a week or so every summer hiking and swimming and catching frogs and fishing... and then doing it all over again. We played in the water till our fingers wrinkled and scarfed down chocolate chip cookies and hot cocoa every evening. We would read books late into the night and then wake early to the smell of coffee and pine sap. The hummingbirds whirred out the front window and water lapped at the grass shoreline teasing us with the promise of a morning swim. Mom would take us to town just to window shop and peek at all the tourist trinkets that we never bought because we were like the locals. This was her other home. She was accepted as a regular.

 Somehow in all that regularness of our growing up, a love grew for this humble place. A feeling of Home. 

It is where I retreated so I could heal after my miscarriage. It is where I brought my babies and taught them to trust a life jacket. It is where I first tasted good coffee with my feet sunk up to ankle in cool, soft water. It is where I have cried out to God loudest because it echoes across the lake and sounds like a true declaration. I dreamed of the lily pads floating gently on shimmery lake currents while in labor with my children. My husband fished badly with my siblings here and was accepted. Dear ones we have loved and lost were invited into this secret and safe place. The Hippie Chick became my sister here in this sun dappled world of thick pines and leafy oaks. 



 My children have been enchanted by its sense of family. They feel the generations of feet walking the path from the front door to the dock. They respect the space and freely discuss topics that may have been left undisclosed. They have played board games, scarfed cookies and had cocoa for breakfast. They have hiked and swam till their fingers wrinkled. They have caught fish and found frogs. They have eaten marshmallows burnt off the stick and swatted mosquitoes. They have gladly shared air mattresses and sleeping bags all so we can vacation together. And then done it all over again, because they love this place. This Home.


There is above all, a feeling of family.

So that was going to be my post.

But then, as per my willingness last week to open my mouth about how I will write stuff even when I don't want to I figure I better finish this. You see, I have been withholding a forgiveness. And it revolves around this place I call Home. This little cabin in the woods.

 Last year was a rough year. I wanted to pack my bags and Move to The Cabin last summer just so I could run away. I desperately needed a vacation. I needed someplace where I could eat and swim and run and allow my children to be dirty faced and happy for a week or so. I needed to be free from the everyday drag my life sometimes gets caught up in. I needed to be in  place of quiet, with no electronic distraction and no sound of the garbage truck first thing in the morning.

 I am a stay at home, homeschooling mother with a Hubs that lives in a different town for his job more than half of the week and two teenagers in two separate high schools. I have a unique job description and it includes no time off, ever. There is no break from the daily grind. There is no relief from the pressure of motherhood. There is no back up. There is no one to throw my struggling teenager at when I need an instant answer. There is often no help when my toddler is teething, Sir Bean is acting out, and Prince Ray is lying to me. I never get a moment. 

 Unless, I am at the cabin. It is essential to my well-being. At least I can bring my crazy working life to a different atmosphere and things seem to be calmer there. They always behave better when they are out of their element.

 But last year was going to be Epic. I was going to get to go for a whole weekend. With my sisters, and Princess Peony. I was literally in tears of excitement over the whole thing. Time for me. With the girls! We planned some Bible readings, some crafts and girly stuff. We figured out recipes we could make with things the little kids and menfolk won't eat. Seriously. So Happy.

 The Hubs was going to take off work from a Thursday through a Sunday. The date set and planned months ahead of time. All was organized with the precision of an army planning for battle.

And then he changed jobs within his company. He couldn't take off. Not his fault. Just Life.

 It was impossible to find a way around it... I wasn't going. My weekend was not happening. 
I cried for days. I felt awful. Worse yet, nobody went. And I never got up there with my family or the kids either. 

 No break. No safe place. No going Home.

I realized as I was writing about my favorite place in the whole world that I had not truly forgiven him. It was mostly out of his control. It was not an intentional hurt. I think he felt bad. There was a series of miscommunication. It was easier for him to work with the new position than try to get the weekend off. It was a measured decision based on his job and the need there. In the end, it was the right decision.
However, what I felt was that my most desperately needed weekend was less important to him. That I was less important to him. That my needs and wants came after his. That he didn't understand.

I don't think that is true. But, that is what I felt at the time.

 Feelings, though are fickle aren't they? They can be true at the time but only to the beholder. Trusting in your feelings can be foolish.
How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple?
How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing
    and fools hate knowledge? ~Proverbs 1:2

Life is full of mishaps that step on toes, break hearts, crush spirits and damage feelings. We almost never mean to hurt the people we love. Not really. Life just happens.
How very good and pleasant it is
    when kindred live together in unity! ~Psalm 133:1
So on to that elusive thing called forgiveness.

I found numerous verses commanding forgiveness. They all apply to your spouse.

 Forgive with loving and kindness. That means no holding grudges. No halfsies on forgiving. Bury that hatchet and do not leave the handle out. Your husband does not need to hear about it over and over and over again. 
 and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:32
Forgive when you are bearing the complaint. Simply because the LORD forgave you. He is setting a high standard in which to follow. You need to forgive even if the complaint is valid. You need to forgive even if you are in the 'right'. Someday you will be in the wrong. You would want that some loving courtesy.
 Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord  has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ~Colossians 3:13
Forgive when your husband is repentant.  Even if it has hurt you to the core. You must forgive.
 Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive. ~Luke 17:3
Forgive often. Forgive repeatedly.
 Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?”  Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times. ~Matthew 18:21-22

So what good is it? How does this motivate me to forgive a wrong or even a perceived wrong? If I forgive and they sin against me again, why do I need to forgive again? The LORD has given us pretty clear instruction.  We need to forgive if we want to be forgiven.

Think about this in a marriage relationship. We need to forgive and forget all the time. I am human and a messy person. He is human and a messy person. Together, we are not a recipe for perfection. We are the definition of messy marriage. If I want to be forgiven when I have wronged or hurt him then I had better well forgive him when he fails or wrongs me.

It is going to happen sometimes. This is real marriage. This is not a princess story. This Chubby Princess has a stubborn heart and sarcastic tongue. The Knight in rusted armor is temperamental when tired and quick to anger. Arrows on occasion are going to fly. So, forgive.
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you;~ Matthew 6:14
We are also told that to foster friendship we need to forgive. In marriage, our spouse should be our best friend. How do you be best friends if one of you is holding a grudge? In my case, I was pushing that feeling aside. Once that cabin post popped up, all I could think about was how upset I still was over not going! I thought I had dealt with it. I never forgave. It was still there. It wasn't hurting him. It was hurting me. Essentially it was causing a friction whenever we talked about the cabin. I need to forgive him, even if he hasn't asked for it. Even if he didn't realize how bad he offended. Because, I don't want to alienate my best friend.
 One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend. ~Proverbs 17:9
Once more, to clarify. In a normal, healthy marriage. Where no one is getting hurt. Where no abuse is present. I would encourage you to pray for God's strength to forgive your spouse of any wrongdoings. Or perhaps even ask for forgiveness for your own wrongdoing. There should be no shame. We are all broken and damaged people. Asking for Forgiveness should be heartfelt but not demeaning. We all have fallen short. We are all asked to forgive.

 To my sisters who bear a much greater burden. I will say the same thing. You must forgive. I don't believe you need to be in that space being abused to do that forgiving. The LORD wants us to preserve life. The life of your children. Your life. Get to a safe place. Seek shelter within a Christian community designed to help your situation. Pray. Seek wise counsel and encourage your spouse to do the same.

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." -Ruth Bell Graham

Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)
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