Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart. Show all posts

Friday, February 8, 2013

Purple Fur and the Silver Moons


This morning on my way to drop Princess Peony off at school we passed this group of youngsters trudging through inches of snow on a not yet shoveled sidewalk. One of those boys was dressed in an extremely out-of-date snowsuit. I could almost see the silver belt buckle in front that screamed 'I was made in 1985!" My heart went out to that child. That old hand-me-down snowsuit or pair of boots can be cause for extreme, elementary school persecution.

I silently thanked God for Homeschool friends, Church Folk, Thrift Stores, and Clearance Sales.

My children proudly wear thrifted items. We almost never buy things full price. I have been blessed with left over clothes and hand-me-downed closets on many occasions. God has always provided. We often receive things that are nicer than what I would spend money on.

We do have a few standards with the used clothes. No underwear. No inappropriate tees even if it was free. If they really hate it, and I can find it elsewhere, we skip it. If not, they wear it and become a better adult through a tough lesson. 

I think this stems from my year with the Purple Fur Coat and Silver Moon Boots.

My parents were very hard working folks. My dad sold seed corn and soybeans to farmers and as a result we moved from town to town as his job transferred him from area to area. I think often they had a lot to pay Peter and Paul was calling in his loan. 

My mom could make a divine meal out of potatoes, WIC cheese slices, and a bunch of celery. I think she excelled at making us feel full, warm, and rich in all the important things. She taught me to cook down a chicken, knead bread dough, and make a pound of burger stretch a mile and three quarters. She taught me to grab eggs from under an ornery hen, stay out of the goats way, and love the rabbits a bit less because they would be for supper someday. She taught me the beauty of a Marigold was as important as the first ripe tomato in July. 

I never really knew we were poor. I knew we were loved.

Then came the winter of my third grade year. I knew things were different in our family. It was my first realization of not having what others had. I did not have the cool jeans with rainbows on the back pocket. I did not have a polo shirt with a little embroidered horse on the left shoulder. I did not have pretty hair ties, or leg warmers, or Strawberry Shortcake erasers. My backpack was used and didn't have little beaded safety pins hanging from it. I didn't even have a friendship bracelet! My clothes were suddenly wrong even though they had always been okay.

The pinnacle of understanding my differentness came at the first snow. My coat didn't really fit. I remember standing in the local department store with my mother staring longingly at the beautiful ski jacket on display. It was one of those puffy jackets with the western style trim and pearly looking buttons. The top portion above the white piping was a darker blue and the bottom half lighter. It had a metal ring built in for your super cool ski gloves to hook on to. The jacket was shown with matching bib overall snowpants and a fun knit hat with a big fuzzy ball on the top. 

Man, did I want that jacket. I instinctively knew that the blue ski jacket would make me fit within the confines of normal. I could blend in seamlessly with the rest of the class. Ah, what peace it would be. I just wanted to blend in. To be unseen.

I knew however, that it was not to be. I followed her out of the store still thinking about that jacket and about how my current coat was too short in the arms and the snow would get it and freeze up my wrists. My back peeked out if I bent over. My boots didn't fit and stunk like wet bread bags. With a 1/4 mile driveway to walk to the bus every morning that would start to be a problem awfully soon. Winter in Minnesota is merciless even in a mild year.

Mom had been given some bags of clothes for us kids from some kind soul. It was probably a neighbor or church friend who saw my exhausted parents shuffling into service every Sunday dragging twin babies, a preschooler, and me lagging behind. We were always taken care of but I remember her looking so sad so often. Poverty can be a weary place for your soul. Still, God provided for us through my mother's diligent prayers and trust.

I can see the purple fur jacket peeking out of the bag in my mind's eye. It was a pinkish, purple, fuzzy fur. The coat was like a navy pea jacket with the square of buttons in front. There were four of them colored a dull brass like an old used tea pot. I think they were suppose to look like coins with a Roman solider on them. The really horrible part however, was the white, faux fur, trim speckled with black dots. I believe the manufacturer was going for a queen's robe meets a Roman sailor on the good ship Lollypop look.  

Oh, how I repelled inwardly. This was nothing like the sleek, shiny, blue ski jacket.

My mom held it up and judged the size. I knew it was mine. 

So there was my winter coat. I was going to be the tail end of every joke the cool kids could come up with. My eyes filled but I did not show it. I knew I should be grateful to have a coat. The knot in my throat was so hard it hurt and I turned away.

"Look! Boots, too!"

With some apprehension I turned to see my new boots. Oh please could they not match the coat?!

Oh they didn't match the coat. Nope. They didn't match anything. They were shiny, silver moon boots. Boy moon boots. With huge, thick heals and silver laces. They went clear up to my knees and glowed like a bad sci-fi movie. They needed a ski jacket and a boy!

Really? Shall we just stick a Bull's Eye on my forehead?

"Thanks, mom."

I absolutely hated that jacket. I loathed the boots. However, I new it was the best my parents could give and I knew I shouldn't complain. (I am sure I did a bit....)

I wore them.

Grudgingly I admit, they were warm. I was teased. I was laughed at. It was embarrassing to be seen in. I stuck out like a huge purple, fuzzy, Ewok amidst the Sking Crowd. But, I sure was warm.

The lesson learned: Be thankful in all circumstances.

What a gift that is. What an amazing lesson! What a work the LORD has done in my life with a lesson began before I even knew who He was.
 pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

So, sometimes, make them wear that ugly, old, out of date, piece of clothing. It builds character and thankfulness.

Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)
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Monday, December 31, 2012

A Kindlier Dozen


And ye, who have met with Adversity's blast,
And been bow'd to the earth by its fury;
To whom the Twelve Months, that have recently pass'd
Were as harsh as a prejudiced jury -
Still, fill to the Future! and join in our chime,
The regrets of remembrance to cozen,
And having obtained a New Trial of Time,
Shout in hopes of a kindlier dozen.
~Thomas Hood



source

A dozen. 12. An easy number. Not too big and not too small. Even and clean looking.  
Pleasing to the eye is the number twelve. 
Easily divided, multiplied and added.  
An able goal can be 12 lbs. Or 12 thank yous. 
Twelve more smiles in a day.
Good things come in twelve. 
12 eggs.
Dozen donuts.
Twelve hours and 12 dollars.

A Year. Twelve Months. Twelve new beginnings every single year. 
Twelve last-day-of-the-months to assess how it went. 
Twelve turns of the moon to watch it shift and change, grow and shrink like shadows.
Twelve months to enjoy our seasons flowing into each other like ripples on the lake.

Twelve chunks of time linked together and filled with mundane chores and beautiful moments of grace. The days run together in succession of do this-es and do thats and occasionally we pause for a moment and watch our children be the amazing creatures they are. 

Sometimes life feels on top of the world like you have your own personal ray of sunshine from God warming you into cat in the windowsill complacency. Oh how we like that sunshine and those easy peasy days.

Sometimes it feels like if that one more thing happens just one more time the thin thread of sanity might just break. Sometimes those threads are stuck straining and holding you together for far more than just one moon cycle. It can start to feel a bit tiresome hanging over that pit for so long. Two months? Four? A year?

Some years are just like that.

To God Be the Glory in those days.
 When you cry yourself to sleep from fear.
When your head swims with unpaid bills.
When your stomach turns because of relationships that worsen instead of strengthen.
When the house is constantly in need of repair...
and the children are fighting out their emotions...
and the teenagers are struggling with growing up lessons...
and your friend is possibly sick with cancer...
and your own health is in question...
and your husband is gone so often you feel like a single parent sometimes...
and there is a death in your family that you just can not wrap your mind around or fix your heart from quivering at the thought of his last days...


Some Years are just like that.  God can still get the Glory.

A dozen months to feel kind of miserable in a self wallowing, private, pity party sort of way. To lament your troublesome life. A whole year to hang on to that fraying thread of...
HOPE. 

Honestly, Hope in Jesus is all you really have. 
When all else is out of control and wrong. 
He is there.
When there are no answers and no way it seems out of the situation.
He is there.
When you stop relying on yourself.
He is there.

There are no promises for a top of the mountain sunshiny spa day. So frankly, some years are going to just stink. The LORD uses this though. He uses our human messes and our frustration. He uses our lack of understanding. He uses our life experience and asks us to trust Him. Have Hope in Him. 

18 “Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.  ~Isaiah 43:18-19


That wasteland can stretch forever. One thing after another until you feel the breaking point. Until it seems you may never feel calm again. But the wasteland is real. It is part of our journey here.  It is integral for God's plan in your life. Embrace it and learn from it. Trust in Him. He is your Hope.

1 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,    a time for war and a time for peace, ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Dear Lord, please give us a kindlier dozen this year. I'm ready for some sun.


Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)
Verses all from www.biblegateway.com


Possibly Linking With:
Cornerstone Confessions
Wisdom Wednesdays and Link Up
No Ordinary Blog Hop
Frontline Moms Friday Fun
The Welcoming House


Thursday, December 20, 2012

Lest You Think I'm Perfect...


In an effort to be as honest and open with my three readers as I can possibly be I thought it best to not let you think I am too perfect.  (wink.. Snort) The LORD likes to keep me humble and provides me daily the things that will keep me from thinking too highly of myself. I mean, when we start to think we have got it all figured out, then we begin to rely on ourselves.
 Danger! Danger! Will Robinson!

Today is as real as it gets in my world.

As mentioned in my post a couple days ago, I am trying to put The Lord first in my life. As part of our homeschool, we read the Bible every day. We actually read out of it several times a day because it is truly the most important textual document your children will ever read and I want to ingrain it upon their hearts from early on. This is not enough though for me, however, as I am an adult and should not be satisfied with the just the playground at the bottom of the knowledge mountain. I need a guided study of my own as well. So this year I have been reading through my devotion every morning, or afternoon, or at least before bed. I have not mastered an every single day the same time quiet time routine for myself because everyday is different. I have absolutely had some dry spots where I slip up and miss a few days weeks but I always hop back on the devotional trail and start backpacking up that mountain again. And it is good!

That being said, just because I want to spend that time with God doesn't me it isn't a fight some days.

I woke up late. The schedule is immediately off. Why late? Well Princess Petunia has bad dreams and after a rough several hours I weakly gave in and let her climb into bed. She slept quite well. I slept with her foot in my lower spine and her random arm flailing most of the night. I thought about hitting up my devotion immediately and but then I decided to get my day moving first.
After my shower, Prince Ray had mysteriously disappeared from doing his before breakfast chores and Princess Peony, the ever responsible child, informed me that he was probably napping on his bed. Hmmm.
Make Coffee. {Thank you My LORD, In complete sincerity, for coffee.}
Text a mom note to Pirate Rob who is already at school. Sign it with 'love you' even though it probably embarrasses him.
Wake Prince Ray up. Give him THE LOOK.
Leave Sir Bean asleep. Even though he has ignored his alarm, AGAIN.
Take Princess Peony to School after checking the weather for a possible snowstorm later today. She reminds me of her basketball game... Mentally schedule basketball game and pray I don't forget it.
Petunia needs cocoa desperately for with her breakfast. Please! Please! Please! MOM!
Make a batch of cocoa because it is nearly gone and this little munchkin loves her cocoa.
Make breakfast.. wait! The oatmeal is almost gone! Make oatmeal mix. Then make breakfast.
Pour second cup of coffee while wiping up spilled oatmeal.
Ask Sir Bean to do his chores, again.
Give Prince Ray THE LOOK again because he is still standing around half asleep scratching his tummy.
Fight Princess Petunia out of her princess pajamas and into a jumper that she hates. VICTORY!
Read a story while she tries to pee... And a fight breaks out.
Prince Ray has toppled his brother, Sir Bean, to the floor and rug burned his forehead, eyelid, and cheek. How dare Sir Bean look at Prince Ray's library book. Apparently we are very territorial today. But finally awake!
For failure to accept responsibility for his actions, Prince Ray is sanctioned to his room amid tears and langauge arts research materials.
Petunia screams "I PEED!" VICTORY again!
Sir Bean grudgingly does chores with his swollen eye claiming he almost went blind. We pray on it.
Bible reading with kids and a project for each of them.
Quickly whip up some granola with help from Petunia who steals the sunflower seeds and sprinkles  them liberally inbetween the counter and stove whilst singing, "I can do it myself. Me. Me. ME!"
Give Petunia some watercolors so I can sneak away and read my devotion...
Sir Bean finds me to fix his pencil.
Pencil fixed, Coffee EMPTY!?
Start caramel corn with the intent to listen to a radio broadcast online. Internet goes out. REALLY?!
Finish caramel corn. Catch Sir Bean and Princess Petunia sneaking bites from on top of the counter. Start Bread.
Prince Ray comes up from his room with a half done assignment and apologizes. Then accuses Sir Bean of making him do it. He goes back into his time out. With Math.
Then they are hungry. Heat up leftovers, serve everyone. Forget myself. :/ Commit to eating better tomorrow. Grab a cup of tea and an apple. And some caramel corn.
Finish bread.
Prince Ray comes up to give a real apology and some of his work done. I forgive. Sir Bean forgives. Victory!
Offer a movie for 45 minutes of quiet time. Yes, I bribed with Veggietales.
Finally got some reading and prayer time in. Thank you Lord for Your patience with me. Thank you for not putting me on the back burner. Thank you my LORD for loving me in my imperfection. Thank you Thank You Thank YOU!


For giggles and snorts I took some pics of my day so far..... :)

That is the second load of dishes...

My very messy kitchen table/countertop/schoolroom...

Not sure how the horses were helping with schoolwork...

Who didn't put their apron away?

Petunia's uneaten portion of lunch. She did eat all the green stuff and most of the cookie.

Will the basket help whoever next walks in the door? Why is it in front of the door?

Basket 3 and 4.

How does this happen to my mirrors?

Library Books!

Art project!

Ivy needs a bath. (tomorrow's list?)

Yes, after my devotion they were jumping off the bed.

Just Like Larry Boy.

Thank goodness for broken candy canes to provide a treat, I wonder if someone sucked on these before placing them Back on the tree.

Did the wise men bring candy canes?

Caramel Corn

Cocoa

Backcountry Oatmeal Mix

Granola

Homemade Raisin Bread

Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)


Possibly Linking With:
Cornerstone Confessions
Wisdom Wednesdays and Link Up
No Ordinary Blog Hop

Monday, December 17, 2012

Christmas Heart

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I had the rare treat of being able to hear my husband preach at church yesterday. Usually I am teaching the little, short, people, but due to yucky roads we were a pretty small group yesterday and I had the day off! :) Well, I didn't have to teach. Do moms ever get the day off?

The Preacher Man asked us a question yesterday at the end of his sermon during Discussion Time. 


What is on your heart this Christmas season?

Simple enough question, right? 

The answers ran the gambit from Family to Peace in the Home.
Someone mentioned focusing on time with Jesus.
Making it about remembering the important things, like Jesus being the perfect gift.
Others just didn't really have any special thoughts because Fuzzy, Sparkly, Christmas isn't part of their life this season. They try to celebrate God's gift year round.
Those were GOOD answers!

I was surprised. I expected there to be more comments about the stress of holidays. 
Or the frustration of family dynamics sometimes when opposing views get together. 
I thought maybe other folks were thinking about budgeting for those extra cookies and ham. 
Perhaps someone else was crazy enough to be potty training through the holidays? 

Ultimately, I think I just didn't understand the question the same way. 
What is on my Heart this Christmas Season? My heart is full to brim with love for my husband and my children. I have been so blessed to see all my siblings numerous times over the past couple of weeks. I have had some good talks with my mom. We have spent time slowing down and letting go of things that are unnecessary and I am learning to redirect my thoughts back to Jesus, The Gift from God. 
But the truth is my Heart is also full of conflict during this time of year.

The Truth:
Truth is... Christmas can be painful because I am still (inward eye roll) dealing with my parents divorce and holidays force me (and the Sibs! And the Spouses!) to deal with it.
Truth is... I have tried to keep up with the Jones' in the past and have on occasion overdone Christmas gifting to make my children feel loved. 
Truth is... I have tried to create a perfect Christmas with the right decorations, food, lights and the appropriate amount of visiting and spreading (grudgingly sometimes) good cheer.
Truth is... I have eaten my way through Thanksgiving and Christmas to celebrate, to cover pain, to placate my feelings.
Truth is... I love the Idea of Christmas but it can seem fake, false, and super, sweetly, saccharin.

The Truth is That 
Without:
Without Jesus... Christmas Is meaningless and will be painful.
Without Jesus... No number of presents will make my children feel loved.
Without Jesus... Candy canes on my front lawn and a perfect Stollen Bread will not make the 25th perfect.
Without Jesus... I will always struggle with eating my feelings.
Without Jesus... Christmas Is false. A false sense of what joy is.

The Way to Joy:
My friend, the English Lass, said she was trying to focus on true time spent with God. Putting God first in her life. She said she felt almost selfish wanting that time. I think she said out loud what most moms feel. I want so much to be in heady prayer time with God. I want to Worship Him on Monday morning for more than one song. I want to really get into His Word and cross reference verses and pull out my Bible dictionary and get lost in the Study. I want God to speak to me through His Word and bring enlightenment and conviction and help me to be the best Me I can be so that through me His Glory will shine.

But I am tired.

I am overworked and spread thin. 
There is always laundry to be done and meals to be made. Snotty noses to be wiped and owies to bandage. Bread to bake and cleaning supplies to make. Mending to be done and library books due back. There are homeschool groups to take part in and choir concerts to attend. There are 5 Arrows in my Quiver that need my attention and sometimes to discuss Huckleberry Finn and Latin roots. My husband needs me not just when he is home but when he is gone. He needs his wife's support and ear when he is frustrated at work or just in need of some conversation.  Add to that the man made (woman made?) ideas about holidays and the unreachable Miracle on 34th Street feeling we all want to have and it is no wonder Christmas can turn into a downer.
Sometimes it feels downright hopeless. Where do I put God with all this STUFF I Have to do? How do I find JOY in this mess?

J.O.Y.
Jesus
Others
Yourself

Put Jesus first. He gets the top cut. Make time for Him and the rest will work itself out. It is okay to give yourself permission to only wash 4 loads of laundry today because the LORD enjoyed you being with Him instead. 
Put Others second. As moms we often feel that we already do this. I put the Hubs first, I put the kids first, I do everything for everyone! (eww, can you hear the whine?) Here is the challenge though: Do I do this with a right heart? I will raise my hand first! I do sometimes get caught up in the Why Me Whines. It is an unhealthy place to be and will only cause you to be more unhappy.

Put Yourself last. This can seem contradictory but it isn't. Your time with God benefits you because you are building that relationship with Him. He however is the leader, and you are Communing with Him, Listening to Him, Thanking Him and you are blessed because of that. Putting yourself last means becoming a servant to your family. Not a SLAVE. A servant with a loving heart. 

I believe we have been taught the lie that whispers to us that we deserve more or better than we have been given.  That we need recognition for everything we do. That we become unnoticed in our efforts to love and support our husbands. That we are somehow lacking if we do not have the newest or best Thing. Or the most obedient children. Or the most giving husband. 
On and On it can go. 
Put Yourself last. You were not promised an easy life. You were not promised riches here on the earth. You were not promised a perfect relationship with your spouse. You were not promised ivy league style children with gifted abilities and good manners.

If the LORD could become a servant out of love and as a teaching moment for His friends than that should be enough of an example for me.
 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”
“Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!”
10 Jesus answered, “Those who have had a bath need only to wash their feet; their whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you.” 11 For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.
12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. ~John 13: 3-17
  
J.O.Y. = Christmas Heart
A heart focused on Jesus. Christmas Heart.
A heart turning to my husband, my children, and other people that I can love with my Christ centered heart. Christmas Heart.
A heart filled with servant hood. Christmas Heart. 

So that is what is on my heart this Christmas.

How about you?

 

Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)


Possibly Linking With:
Cornerstone Confessions
Wisdom Wednesdays and Link Up
No Ordinary Blog Hop