The Pillow of Selfishness

The Preacher Man and Sir Bean

That is my pillow.  See it? 

All soft and squishy and perfectly broken in. It is huge. An oversized, snuggly, down filled beauty of a sleep aid. I don't sleep well, ever, and this is my one favorite thing to help me count down to the Land of Sleep.

Problem is, it is everyone's favorite pillow. 

It is borrowed, misplaced, hidden and used by the kidlets and by the Preacher Man.

I am apt to let this happen. I am not unreasonable...

until bedtime. 

Then I need my pillow. 

Without it my neck will hurt. My head will ache. My shoulders will be all out of whack.

Seriously, I will physically pay for it if I use the old, flat, hard pillow.

Now I know what some of you are thinking. Get over it girl! It is a pillow!

Some of you though, some of you will understand. I can not sleep without my pillow!

You know it wasn't always this way. As a child I could sleep about anywhere. Floors, couches, the car, and everywhere in between. Then came adulthood and children and I just stopped sleeping well. Who sleeps well with babies and toddlers in the house anyway? 

As I got older and had more neck and shoulder issues I started sleeping badly for the portion of the night I did sleep. I had to find the right pillow style. I promise you, it isn't in my head, the pillow works. :)

So last night the Hubs borrowed my pillow to sit up in bed. I'm a giving kind of gal (most of the time) so in the spirit of Love and Respect I said nothing. I figured I could sneak it out from under him before I laid my head down for the night.

He crashed having come off a night shift with his daytime and nighttime hours all goofy. 

No worries. He has four pillows now... I'll just sneak my pillow out from under his sleepy head and I will be in the business of resting.

It did not happen. I couldn't budge him. I couldn't wake him. (He literally could sleep through a tornado.) And if truth be told he hugged that pillow tighter in his sleep.

From somewhere inside me rose up this pure frustration-laced anger. It literally bubbled up inside like an erupting volcano. I wanted to wake him up from his effortless sleep and scream:

Give Me My Pillow!

It is mine. I have almost nothing that is mine. 

Everything is shared. Nothing is truly mine. My time, my creativity, my love. It is all shared. My kitchen is my homeschool room. My bedroom is the hangout. My pencils are used. My scissors get lost. I share gum, and kleenex, and my lunch. I share the Wii remote, and the chair I am sitting on. I even share the bathroom, almost every time I use it, with my potty training toddler. I can't shower without a little someone needing to brush their teeth. I can not go anywhere without a tribe coming along. My clothes are shared. My shoes are shared. My Bible time is even shared. 

Don't I deserve one little thing that is mine? 

What a Pillow of Selfishness.

This wonderful man I married did not know that he set off in me a feeling of such utter selfishness that I was brought to tears by my shame. He slept calmly on. He did not overstep or offend intentionally. He would never have willingly took my pillow for the entire night. It was an accident.

It sure brought to the surface very raw emotions in myself though, didn't it? 

So where is that all really coming from? Why can something so silly cause me such a rush of anger and ungodly like thoughts? Why in the world would this bring up such toddleresque type temper tantruming behavior?

Short answer: Because I am human. 

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, ~ Romans 3:23

Because people are inherently selfish.

People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 

~ 2 Timothy 3:2 

We so easily fall into that place. Even with the gift of Grace we choose to cling to what we can hold on to. What we can foolishly place our hands on.We are selfish with our things, our money, our time, and our love. We think we are good. That we are deserving of more than what we have.

“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.” ~ Matthew 19: 17

We are not good. We fail. We fall easily back into sin.

This is why the Lord has to command us to love. To give. To be unselfish. To respect. To be submissive.

If it was natural He wouldn't have to command us to do it. These are not suggestions. These are orders. These are things He tells us to do.

Not out of a need to push us down or keep us under His rule. No! These are rules of LOVE. The greatest LOVE that there is. He LOVES us enough to tell to us in His Word how to avoid the pain that comes with jealousy. The hurt that comes with pride. The sting of a hateful word. The guilt of an unreasonable and pride filled heart.

Love Others.

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ~Romans 12:10

We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.  Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up. ~Romans 15:1-2

No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.  

~1 Corinthians 10:24

Love Unselfishly.

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children  and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. ~ Ephesians 5:1-2

Love Because He loves us.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.~ Ephesians 5:21

“In that day,” declares the Lord,
    “you will call me ‘my husband’;
    you will no longer call me ‘my master.’ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
    no longer will their names be invoked. In that day I will make a covenant for them
    with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
    and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
    I will abolish from the land,
    so that all may lie down in safety. I will betroth you to me forever;
    I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
    in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness,
    and you will acknowledge the Lord. 

I will plant her for myself in the land;
I will show my love to the one I called ‘Not my loved one.
I will say to those called ‘Not my people, ‘You are my people’;
and they will say, ‘You are my God.’”~ Hosea 2:16-20, 23

Wives, Love By RESPECT

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. ~ Ephesians 5 :22-24

Husbands, Love By CARING for her and LOVING her as you love yourself.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church ~Ephesians 5:25-29

Let us strive to love like the LORD commands. Let us fail miserably and then apologize and get back up on that old worn out horse and keep keeping on. Let us recognize those moments of sin weakness for what they are. A reminder to keep trusting the LORD and to keep holding onto HIM. 

So I will keep trusting the LORD and I'll go get myself another pillow. 

Always Blessed,

Gretchen :)

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