Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Muddled Love* Forgiving Your Spouse







I was going to write a post on my favorite place in this whole big wide world. 


It is so beautiful that my pictures don't even come close to showing how amazing a place it is. My sister's photographs come close but there is something tangible in the air up North that you can really only see it and feel it when you are there.


My grandparent's scrimped and saved and bought a small piece of land on a beautiful quiet lake. My grandpa built a cabin long before I was a thought in my mother's mind. She grew up in the Cities and spent her childhood summers heading up to the cabin on weekends with her parents and siblings. They hiked and swam and caught frogs and fished till they were bored and then did it all over again.

The cabin stayed in the family and we got to spend a week or so every summer hiking and swimming and catching frogs and fishing... and then doing it all over again. We played in the water till our fingers wrinkled and scarfed down chocolate chip cookies and hot cocoa every evening. We would read books late into the night and then wake early to the smell of coffee and pine sap. The hummingbirds whirred out the front window and water lapped at the grass shoreline teasing us with the promise of a morning swim. Mom would take us to town just to window shop and peek at all the tourist trinkets that we never bought because we were like the locals. This was her other home. She was accepted as a regular.

Somehow in all that regularness of our growing up, a love grew for this humble place. A feeling of Home. 

It is where I retreated so I could heal after my miscarriage. It is where I brought my babies and taught them to trust a life jacket. It is where I first tasted good coffee with my feet sunk up to ankle in cool, soft water. It is where I have cried out to God loudest because it echoes across the lake and sounds like a true declaration. I dreamed of the lily pads floating gently on shimmery lake currents while in labor with my children. My husband fished badly with my siblings here and was accepted. Dear ones we have loved and lost were invited into this secret and safe place. The Hippie Chick became my sister here in this sun dappled world of thick pines and leafy oaks. 



My children have been enchanted by its sense of family. They feel the generations of feet walking the path from the front door to the dock. They respect the space and freely discuss topics that may have been left undisclosed. They have played board games, scarfed cookies and had cocoa for breakfast. They have hiked and swam till their fingers wrinkled. They have caught fish and found frogs. They have eaten marshmallows burnt off the stick and swatted mosquitoes. They have gladly shared air mattresses and sleeping bags all so we can vacation together. And then done it all over again, because they love this place. This Home.


There is above all, a feeling of family.

So that was going to be my post.

But then, as per my willingness last week to open my mouth about how I will write stuff even when I don't want to I figure I better finish this. You see, I have been withholding a forgiveness. And it revolves around this place I call Home. This little cabin in the woods.

Last year was a rough year. I wanted to pack my bags and Move to The Cabin last summer just so I could run away. I desperately needed a vacation. I needed someplace where I could eat and swim and run and allow my children to be dirty faced and happy for a week or so. I needed to be free from the everyday drag my life sometimes gets caught up in. I needed to be in  place of quiet, with no electronic distraction and no sound of the garbage truck first thing in the morning.

I am a stay at home, homeschooling mother with a Hubs that lives in a different town for his job more than half of the week and two teenagers in two separate high schools. I have a unique job description and it includes no time off, ever. There is no break from the daily grind. There is no relief from the pressure of motherhood. There is no back up. There is no one to throw my struggling teenager at when I need an instant answer. There is often no help when my toddler is teething, Sir Bean is acting out, and Prince Ray is lying to me. I never get a moment. 

Unless, I am at the cabin. It is essential to my well-being. At least I can bring my crazy working life to a different atmosphere and things seem to be calmer there. They always behave better when they are out of their element.

But last year was going to be Epic. I was going to get to go for a whole weekend. With my sisters, and Princess Peony. I was literally in tears of excitement over the whole thing. Time for me. With the girls! We planned some Bible readings, some crafts and girly stuff. We figured out recipes we could make with things the little kids and menfolk won't eat. Seriously. So Happy.

The Hubs was going to take off work from a Thursday through a Sunday. The date set and planned months ahead of time. All was organized with the precision of an army planning for battle.

And then he changed jobs within his company. He couldn't take off. Not his fault. Just Life.

It was impossible to find a way around it... I wasn't going. My weekend was not happening. 
I cried for days. I felt awful. Worse yet, nobody went. And I never got up there with my family or the kids either. 

No break. No safe place. No going Home.

I realized as I was writing about my favorite place in the whole world that I had not truly forgiven him. It was mostly out of his control. It was not an intentional hurt. I think he felt bad. There was a series of miscommunication. It was easier for him to work with the new position than try to get the weekend off. It was a measured decision based on his job and the need there. In the end, it was the right decision.


However, what I felt was that my most desperately needed weekend was less important to him. That I was less important to him. That my needs and wants came after his. That he didn't understand.

I don't think that is true. But, that is what I felt at the time.

Feelings, though are fickle aren't they? They can be true at the time but only to the beholder. Trusting in your feelings can be foolish.
How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple?
How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing
    and fools hate knowledge? ~Proverbs 1:2

Life is full of mishaps that step on toes, break hearts, crush spirits and damage feelings. We almost never mean to hurt the people we love. Not really. Life just happens.
How very good and pleasant it is
    when kindred live together in unity! ~Psalm 133:1
So on to that elusive thing called forgiveness.

I found numerous verses commanding forgiveness. They all apply to your spouse.

Forgive with loving and kindness. That means no holding grudges. No halfsies on forgiving. Bury that hatchet and do not leave the handle out. Your husband does not need to hear about it over and over and over again. 
 and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:32
Forgive when you are bearing the complaint. Simply because the LORD forgave you. He is setting a high standard in which to follow. You need to forgive even if the complaint is valid. You need to forgive even if you are in the 'right'. Someday you will be in the wrong. You would want that some loving courtesy.
 Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord  has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ~Colossians 3:13
Forgive when your husband is repentant.  Even if it has hurt you to the core. You must forgive.
 Be on your guard! If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance, you must forgive. ~Luke 17:3
Forgive often. Forgive repeatedly.
 Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?”  Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times. ~Matthew 18:21-22

So what good is it? How does this motivate me to forgive a wrong or even a perceived wrong? If I forgive and they sin against me again, why do I need to forgive again? The LORD has given us pretty clear instruction.  We need to forgive if we want to be forgiven.

Think about this in a marriage relationship. We need to forgive and forget all the time. I am human and a messy person. He is human and a messy person. Together, we are not a recipe for perfection. We are the definition of messy marriage. If I want to be forgiven when I have wronged or hurt him then I had better well forgive him when he fails or wrongs me.

It is going to happen sometimes. This is real marriage. This is not a princess story. This Chubby Princess has a stubborn heart and sarcastic tongue. The Knight in rusted armor is temperamental when tired and quick to anger. Arrows on occasion are going to fly. So, forgive.
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you;~ Matthew 6:14
We are also told that to foster friendship we need to forgive. In marriage, our spouse should be our best friend. How do you be best friends if one of you is holding a grudge? In my case, I was pushing that feeling aside. Once that cabin post popped up, all I could think about was how upset I still was over not going! I thought I had dealt with it. I never forgave. It was still there. It wasn't hurting him. It was hurting me. Essentially it was causing a friction whenever we talked about the cabin. I need to forgive him, even if he hasn't asked for it. Even if he didn't realize how bad he offended. Because, I don't want to alienate my best friend.
 One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend. ~Proverbs 17:9
Once more, to clarify. In a normal, healthy marriage. Where no one is getting hurt. Where no abuse is present. I would encourage you to pray for God's strength to forgive your spouse of any wrongdoings. Or perhaps even ask for forgiveness for your own wrongdoing. There should be no shame. We are all broken and damaged people. Asking for Forgiveness should be heartfelt but not demeaning. We all have fallen short. We are all asked to forgive.

To my sisters who bear a much greater burden. I will say the same thing. You must forgive. I don't believe you need to be in that space being abused to do that forgiving. The LORD wants us to preserve life. The life of your children. Your life. Get to a safe place. Seek shelter within a Christian community designed to help your situation. Pray. Seek wise counsel and encourage your spouse to do the same.

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." -Ruth Bell Graham

Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)
Possibly Linking With:
  



Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Tuesday's Gifts~ My Shepherd

Psalm 23

The Divine Shepherd

A Psalm of David.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures;
he leads me beside still waters;

verdant
 
    he restores my soul.
He leads me in right paths
    for his name’s sake.

right of way


Even though I walk through the darkest valley,
    I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff—
    they comfort me.

shadowed


You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.

Overflow
 
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    my whole life long.

I am Thankful for My Shepherd.....

"The metaphor of the king as the shepherd of his people goes back to ancient Egypt. Perhaps the use of this particular convention is due to the fact that, being stupid, affectionate, gregarious, and easily stampeded, the societies formed by sheep are most like human ones."
~Northrop Frye 

.... because I am often a perfectly imperfect sheep.

Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)
 
All pictures are courtesy of my sister, Sara Rose Nissen.  
Check out her artwork over at  as seen through my eyes. :)



Possibly Linking With:
 

Monday, March 11, 2013

Ham Bone Stock (Bone Broth)

Stock to a cook is voice to a singer.
--Anon.



I have saved vivid memories from my growing years, of the Welcome Home after a long mid-winter's school day. The lengthy, cold bus ride home over jouncy, jutted gravel roads was finally over. Often I would pass the riding home time by pressing my nose and mouth against the frozen and frost-nipped bus windows and breathing warm air on them to make a melted spot just large enough to peek through. The barren Southern Minnesota farm fields fill up with snow so high that sometimes I could, in my imagination, pretend I was somewhere warm, like the dessert, staring at sand dunes instead of blowing, whisking snowflakes forming hills and valleys all over the county. By the time that golden yellow bus pulled up to my driveway the sun was in full sun set mode, falling lower and lower on the horizon. 

When I was young enough my mom was still home with the little kids and it wasn't unusual to open the front door and be comforted by the warmth of the wood stove and the smell of fresh baked bread and soup simmering on the gas stove. It always made my mouth water to see that homemade bread all brown and glistening with fresh butter on the cutting board. The soup though is a thing of beauty all on its own. The big kettle three quarters full, steam twisting, curling, unfurling from the open pot like young ferns do in the spring. 

After stomping the snow off my boots and peeling off layers of outer wear I would hurry over and see what kind we were having. Thick and bubbly split pea with chunks of potato? Chicken with carrots and spaetzle? Hamburger with tomatoes and corn? Ham and Bean? Oh the possibilities were almost endless. 

That steam would warm me right up and to this day I crave warm filling soup on a cold day. It is frugal, versatile, healthy, and easy!

I was given a ham bone after a Christmas party way back at the end of December and threw it in the freezer. Last week I decided it was time to cook that bone down and make some soup. I do not profess to be and expert, just a cook with a bit of experience. So here is my basics for ham stock. :)

Day 1:
Stock Pot
 I like this stock pot. It holds about 8 to 10 quarts comfortably. You want one that is deep enough to hold a chicken carcass and cover it with a couple inches of water.  This is a tutorial for ham bone broth but it could easily adjust for chicken or beef or even veggie broth. It was inexpensive for the amount it is used. On a side note I used it to water bath can some things last fall. It was a good investment.

Veggies and Bone
When I am trimming celery, or peeling carrots I will save those extras and bag them and put in my freezer for soup day. Instead of throwing out the bits of onion or garlic throw them in a bag and place in the freezer. When it comes time to make stock use those veggie bits and pieces instead of cutting up new ones. It is the ultimate in frugal cooking when you can use as much as possible and waste little .

Notice, as well, that the ham bone is fairly meaty. You want a bone that isn't picked completely clean. Those are still usable but make a thinner broth. I will usually try to leave, on purpose, some meat in the bag or on the bone. You will be thankful on soup day that you did. :)

Cloves, Allspice, Bayleaf
Place all those veggie scraps, your meaty ham bone, and some spices in the stock pot. Cover with water. I would use good old fashioned tap water if it is good to drink. Cover those veggies and bone fully, about two inches or so over the top. They need to be fully submerged. 

Apple Cider Vinegar
I learned to add an acid of some sort. This will, so I am told, help to pull all that goodness out of the bones. I have used a lemon, vinegar, red wine vinegar, or apple cider vinegar. A couple Tablespoons or a half a lemon should do it.

Now set that pot to simmer on a back burner, cover it up, and ignore it for the most part all day. I check every couple of hours to make sure it isn't dry or simmering too high. If you need to add water now and then, go for it. The idea is to slowly cook down that bone so that the meat will fall off and the marrow will leach out into the water, thus flavoring it. The longer you cook it down the better the broth. The meat and veggie should shrink down and the water should condense almost by half.
Please, do not rush this. Making good stock is an easy, basic, mostly hands off project. It does however take time. Give it the time it needs. A day is not an over estimate. I almost always cook for a day and then pick through the rest on day 2. 
That being said, at the end of the day, I take the whole pot and put it in the fridge over night.

Day 2:
Fat

Take that stock pot out of the fridge. The fat should have risen to the top. I skim the fat off and throw it. My dad would hate that. :) But I can't stomach it.

Strain the broth through a large colander.
Using a large colander, strain the broth through the first time to catch all the veggies and meat and bone.

Strainer.
I like to then use a fine sieve strainer to strain once more. This is preference and really not necessary.

Stock for the Freezer.
This particular time I got enough stock for a batch of soup in the crock pot (5 quarts), and was able to freeze about 9 cups of leftover broth. The picture above shows them in 2 cup Parmesan cheese containers. I mark them and date them before putting in the freezer. This stock is good for cooking beans, for flavoring rice, or adding to stew or soup when it has gotten too thick.

Pick through the colander.
Now onto the messy part. Pick through that leftover veggie/meat/bone mess and save out the meat. If I had more critters I would probably share that leftover bone, but our Miss Ivy Kitty is a Diva Cat and refuses to eat anything but her Friskies. Therefore, I chuck all this leftover in the garbage at this time. :)



I ended up with about a cup or so of meat. Now this is plenty for us as we are having Ham and Bean soup. If you need more, add from another source. 


Add that Ham to your soup stock.
At this point, your soup is ready for all the yumminess you can come up with. Add what your heart desires. Vegetables, beans, lentils, split peas, pasta. The possibilities with a good stock are almost endless.

Part 2 of this series will be my recipe for Ham 'n Bean Soup. It is filling to the tummy and good for the soul. Stay Tuned!

Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)
Possibly Linking With:


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Homeschool~ Poetry Study



Poetry.
Does it make you feel a bit apprehensive?
Are you convinced it is all full of thees and thous and incomprehensible language?
Does the idea of reading poetry bring you to a place of eye rolling and high school style anguish?

It doesn't have to be like that!


Hear me out on this. (Well, read me out on this. :)) Poetry is a valid and wonderful addition to your homeschool. Poetry can build listening skills, reading comprehension, and can be used to explain certain grammar techniques and phonics skills. The trick is to find valid age appropriate poetry that will keep the attention of your student and teach some beautiful literary appreciation as well.


To be fair, I am biased. I love words. I love reading words. I love placing words together. I love word games. You get the idea. When I was sixteen I got my first thesaurus. I think it was for English class. We may have used it only once but I loved it. I found words to look up just to make my diary look more linguistic. I wrote all of my reports using that handy thesaurus. I sent notes to my grandma saying the same thing three different ways using creative wording. Words with hidden meanings and beautiful lettering can make a simple sentence become, well.... poetry.






Here's the thing about Poems.
They come in more forms than:
Little boy blue, 
Come blow your horn,
The sheep are in the meadow,
The cows are in the corn.
~Mother Goose


Or the standard:
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning 




Poetry can tell a story. 
The Song of Hiawatha by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is a beautiful poem broken into twenty-two chapters. It is a story written in poetic form. It is beautiful and also informative. There is much to be learned about this culture and the territory. You can find it free online here.
By the shores of Gitche Gumee,
By the shining Big-Sea-Water,
Stood the wigwam of Nokomis,
Daughter of the Moon, Nokomis.
Dark behind it rose the forest,
Rose the black and gloomy pine-trees,
Rose the firs with cones upon them;
Bright before it beat the water,
Beat the clear and sunny water,
Beat the shining Big-Sea-Water.
 Can you see it? I can almost smell the lake water and the pine sap. Gitche Gumee is the great Lake Superior. The gloomy pine trees are most likely the beautiful tall logging pines found in Northern Minnesota. Lovely descriptions. Here are the next lines:
There the wrinkled old Nokomis
Nursed the little Hiawatha,
Rocked him in his linden cradle,
Bedded soft in moss and rushes,
Safely bound with reindeer sinews;
Stilled his fretful wail by saying,
"Hush! the Naked Bear will hear thee!"
Lulled him into slumber, singing,
"Ewa-yea! my little owlet!
Who is this, that lights the wigwam?
With his great eyes lights the wigwam?
Ewa-yea! my little owlet!"
~Song of Hiawatha, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It tells us a story. 


Poetry can be moving
It can set your heart to feel and your mind to think. It does not need to be picked and pulled apart, but instead appreciated as a whole. It can be a catalyst for great conversation and debate. It can be motivating on  a personal level. 

If  ~ Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my so
n!
There is some good discussion in there, I think.


Poetry was created by our LORD. 
The Psalms are the original organized poetry. All topics are covered. Lessons of morality are showcased. Commands and love notes are sung to us so sweetly. The Psalms are a favorite for many people for their fluid and graceful quality. The lines roll off the tongue fairly easily and pull on our heart strings.
May God be gracious to us and bless us
    and make his face to shine upon us, Selah
that your way may be known upon earth,
    your saving power among all nations.
Let the peoples praise you, O God;
    let all the peoples praise you.
Let the nations be glad and sing for joy,
    for you judge the peoples with equity
    and guide the nations upon earth. Selah
Let the peoples praise you, O God;
    let all the peoples praise you.
The earth has yielded its increase;
    God, our God, has blessed us.
May God continue to bless us;
    let all the ends of the earth revere him.
~Psalm 67


Poetry can be a teaching tool. 
My children have thoroughly enjoyed reading Robert Louis Stevenson's A Child's Garden of Verses and A.A. Milne's Now We Are Six. These are timeless poems written for children. The poems are fanciful and full of childhood dreams and thoughts. The picture above is Sir Bean reading his favorite poem, Forgiven by A.A. Milne. 
Forgiven by A.A. Milne
I found a little beetle; so that Beetle was his name,
And I called him Alexander and he answered just the same.
I put him in a match-box, and I kept him all the day ...
And Nanny let my beetle out -
Yes, Nanny let my beetle out -
She went and let my beetle out -
And Beetle ran away.

She said she didn't mean it, and I never said she did,
She said she wanted matches and she just took off the lid,
She said that she was sorry, but it's difficult to catch
An excited sort of beetle you've mistaken for a match.

She said that she was sorry, and I really mustn't mind,
As there's lots and lots of beetles which she's certain we could find,
If we looked about the garden for the holes where beetles hid -
And we'd get another match-box and write BEETLE on the lid.

We went to all the places which a beetle might be near,
And we made the sort of noises which a beetle likes to hear,
And I saw a kind of something, and I gave a sort of shout:
"A beetle-house and Alexander Beetle coming out!"

It was Alexander Beetle I'm as certain as can be,
And he had a sort of look as if he thought it must be Me,
And he had a sort of look as if he thought he ought to say:
"I'm very very sorry that I tried to run away."

And Nanny's very sorry too for you-know-what-she-did,
And she's writing ALEXANDER very blackly on the lid,
So Nan and Me are friends, because it's difficult to catch
An excited Alexander you've mistaken for a match. 
There is rhyming, punctuation, phonics practice and comprehension that can take this poem to a whole lesson if you wanted. Or you could just enjoy the wonder of children and read Forgiven for sheer love of the realness of it. 

This is just the tip of the proverbial ice berg. There are numerous types, styles, and kinds of poetry. The idea is to just get reading it. Once there is an appreciation for poetry, a child can be led to write his own. When they are older, the works of Shakespeare or Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales will still be challenging but at least familiarly written. Wonderful works like Beowulf will be more easily read and enjoyed if the groundwork is done now. 

We don't do much other than read and enjoy the poems. There are grand discussions sometimes. Mostly though we sip tea and giggle or shed a tear. We compare to our own lives or compare against what The LORD says in His Word. We appreciate the beauty of the words.



Happy Reading!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Tuesday's Gifts ~ Heart Trusting

I am Thankful for the opportunity to Believe.
To Believe in God's Provision in spite of my questioning Mind.

Who provides for the raven its prey,
    when its young ones cry to God,
    and wander about for lack of food? ~Job 38:41


He giveth to the beast his food, and to the young ravens which cry. ~Psalms 147:9


Thankful for my growing Faith.
For Curbing my Will to His. 
 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! ~Luke 12:24
 Even the sparrow finds a home,
    and the swallow a nest for herself,
    where she may lay her young,
at your altars, O Lord of hosts,
    my King and my God. ~Psalms 84:3


Thanking Him for His patience.
While I learn to let my heart Trust. 
 
31 He put before them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed that someone took and sowed in his field; 32 it is the smallest of all the seeds, but when it has grown it is the greatest of shrubs and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and make nests in its branches.” ~Matthew 13: 31-32


Oh! that I would trust with my heart so that I may find rest! Home in those branches with the warm sun-dappled light peeking through those green leafy arms. 
What a promised gift to be thankful for.

Always Blessed,
Gretchen :)


All pictures are courtesy of my sister, Sara Rose Nissen.  
Check out her artwork over at  as seen through my eyes. :)


Possibly Linking With:
\